The War on Junk Food
by Technophobia678
Summary: "What's wrong with fruit and veg?" "It exists." Sam and Deeks join forces against a common enemy. Oneshot, kinda silly.


"What's wrong with fruit and veg?" "It exists." Sam and Deeks become unlikely allies against a common enemy.

Was inspired by the recent episode and Sam and Callen bickering over bacon. And it snowballed from there.

XXX

"I know that's not what I think it is" Sam Hanna eyed his partner and what said partner was holding.

"What do you think it is?" his partner asked mildly, putting the object of scrutiny on his desk. His partner's expression was completely guileless and Sam wasn't fooled for an instant. Four years with the man meant he could see through his bull without much difficulty. That and the fact his partner wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he was bullshitting. The glint in his blue eyes belied the innocent visage, as did the faintest hint of smugness in the half grin on his face.

"I think it's a first class ticket to an early grave" Sam gave his partner a disgusted look and then shifted his gaze to the offensive object-a plastic container with fried eggs, bacon, sausage and a half eaten chunk of fried bread. The typical breakfast a healthy body should flee in abject terror from.

"It's bad enough you don't take care of yourself in the field, you trying to kill yourself outside of the job too?"

"I think that if I live long enough to die of heart disease I'd be pretty lucky" G pointed out, dropping into his seat on the other side of the room and casually opening his greasy, heavily saturated with fat and salted breakfast and picking up his plastic fork, a small defiance to Hetty's green policy. He was all for saving the planet, but to be honest he was rather busy saving the people on it to be too bothered about excessive, OTT waste management.

"People as young as twenty have been known to have heart attacks G and you're not as young as you once were" Sam snarked. "And it's not just heart attacks. You keep damaging your body on the job and putting bad stuff in it, it's gonna give out."

"My body's not a car. Or a workforce going on strike" Callen took a big bite of his fried bread, stifling his smirk.

"Keep it up and your body will go on strike. Give you a stroke or plaque build-up in your arteries and see how well you can chase suspects over walls and down sewers."

"Genetically gifted" Callen pointed at his partner with his fork, grimacing at the reminder of the last time they had to chase a suspect down a sewer. It had been raining heavily at the time. "I'm good."

"Genetics can't save you from cumulative abuse G. And there's other things, salt, sugar, _weight_." His dark eyes studied the other man, a glint in his eyes. They had this argument several times a month for the past few years but that didn't mean they didn't enjoy riling each other up every time they had it. "Won't be able to fit in Hetty's thousand dollar suits if you end up gaining two hundred pounds. Try outrunning bombs and guard dogs when you can't even climb up the stairs to Ops."

"Am I detecting some jealously Sam?" Callen smirked tauntingly at his partner, taking a big bite of his bacon.

"Of you and your heart attack in the making? I don't think so."

"I think you might be" Callen grinned at his partner. "All those inedible fruit and veggies and workouts and I still have better cholesterol levels than you."

"You wish" Sam scoffed. "I'll be keeping an eye out and if I find out your cholesterol is over 300 I'll be getting a new partner."

"Promises, promises" Callen drawled. "I guess you really missed having Deeks as a partner."

Sam shot him a glare.

Their debate was interrupted by the arrival of the man in question along with his deadly feminine partner in crime…solving.

"All I'm saying is that you shouldn't blame me, it's not my fault."

"Oh and why is that exactly?" Kensi growled, dumping her bag, coffee and breakfast on her desk making Callen glance at her. She sounded peeved, which wasn't extremely unusual around Deeks.

"You're the one who left my blouses in the washing machine when you did your colours wash!"

"You're the one who left it in the washing machine piles as opposed to the hand washing one" Deeks argued, spreading his hands out. "The last time I sorted through your laundry you threatened me with your groin kick of doom. Excuse me for actually listening to you a change. I won't do it anymore if that makes you happier."

"Ain't that cute G?" Sam smirked. "Arguing about their laundry. They sound so domesticated."

"Did you two get married and not tell us?" G teased. "I didn't get an invite to the wedding."

Kensi spluttered, but it took more than that to faze Deeks. He leaned against his desk, folding his arms casually.

"What makes you think I'd invite you to my wedding?" Deeks shot back, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Who else would you have there? Your mangy mutt for your best man?" Sam queried sarcastically.

"He'd look better than you two in a tux" Deeks said flippantly, nonchalantly resting his butt against his desk, precariously close to the ever hazardous inbox of files the Detective always had. "And he's not mangy, he's shaggy. There's a difference."

"You would know. Do you two have the same hairdresser?"

"Oh my god" Kensi moaned, dropping into her seat, sending a long suffering look up to the ceiling. "Give it a rest will you? Before you all find out how my 'groin kick of doom' is like from personal experience."

The men simultaneously cringed and Callen scooted a little away from her, dragging his breakfast away. "Someone's cranky this morning. Your houseguest causing problems?"

Kensi just sighed and let her head rest in her hands.

"Hey" Deeks straightened slightly, offended. "I've been a great guest. I've bought beer, I buy doughnuts, I managed to make her kitchen and living room safe for moving around in. I even cooked dinner last night."

"Did you have the paramedics on standby?" Sam asked Kensi seriously, a vague look of concern on his handsome face.

"Kept the fire extinguisher close by" Kensi murmured.

"And did you need it?" Deeks asked pointedly, raising his chin.

"We should probably get her checked out for food poisoning" Sam told his partner, who snickered.

"See if I make lasagne for either of you" Deeks said imperiously before frowning at Kensi. "Kens you're still not mad about this morning are you?"

"You ruined an $80 blouse" Kensi moaned.

"I'll buy you another one" Deeks said exasperatedly. "Besides I said was sorry. I bought coffee; I bought you those Belgian waffles you like so much and I promised you some new underwear."

"What did you wreck those too?" Callen smirked, inwardly wondering how the blonde Detective wasn't dead yet.

"I went undercover once in the lingerie business" Deeks grinned wistfully. "I've got contacts."

"Of course you do" Callen murmured, turning back to his breakfast.

"Is that bacon?" Kensi leaned over to Callen, a hungry gleam in her eyes.

"Yes. My bacon" Callen leaned away from her, an arm around his food protectively.

"Kens I know it's that time of month, but you've already had double waffles in whipped cream and syrup and still have two doughnuts left. You keep this up and it's not the bagginess of your size two jeans you'll be complaining about."

Sam starting coughing loudly and Callen almost choked on his sausage. Kensi slowly straightened up again and turned to give her partner a look that would melt polar ice caps.

_He's dead_, Sam and Callen unknowingly thought at the same moment, feeling a mixture of horror and disbelief that their fellow male operative was apparently suicidal. The surfer had stiffened on his perch at the malevolent stare his partner was giving him and was currently contemplating his odds of survival.

"Not that you, you know, you need to worry, ah about that" Deeks laughed nervously, tugging on his blonde mane. "I mean it's just-I'm going to stop now" he said awkwardly, hopping off his desk and scurrying to take his seat, to get a bit more room away from his partner.

"Yeah you do that" Kensi didn't take her eyes off of her partner. "Callen give me a piece of your bacon. You can have Deeks doughnut."

Deeks opened his mouth to protest but exchanging glances with Callen, they silently agreed not to argue. Callen reluctantly handed over a strip of bacon and Kensi seized it, draped it over her chocolate cream doughnut and took a big healthy bite.

Sam and Deeks shuddered as they watched in fascinated horror as Kensi let out a contented noise and shut her eyes in bliss, her temper momentarily settled. Eyeing her cautiously, Callen began to quickly eat the remainder of his breakfast in case she came back.

"Is that nice?" Deeks ventured cautiously.

"Very" Kensi's mismatched eyes opened and Deeks knew he was still in trouble. _Probably going to make me watch Mamma Mia tonight_…he groaned silently.

"You should try it Callen, its good" Kensi nodded towards Deeks's desk.

Callen hesitated before going over and grabbing the powdered treat, tilting his head apologetically at the younger man. With the others watching, Callen cautiously took the last half of his bacon.

"G you're not gonna" Sam stopped and cringed as his partner took a bite of sugared pastry and greasy bacon at the same time. The lead agent chewed for a few seconds before raising his eyebrows.

"That's pretty good actually" Callen admitted after he swallowed. Kensi grinned as Sam and Deeks exchanged incredulous looks.

"I don't believe this" Sam muttered. Deeks glanced at the man beside him, who appeared to be having difficulty comprehending what he was witnessing. The bad ass Navy SEAL looked nauseated. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Deeks slunk lower in his chair as he watched the scene unfold.

"What? It's good" Kensi absently licked the cream off one finger.

"Good? You're eating bacon and doughnuts for breakfast. How is that good? Why am I the only one who actually eats food?"

"Hey!" Deeks protested. "I eat real food. I made Kensi eat veggies last night and I made smoothies this morning."

"Coming from a guy that mainlines caffeine?" Kensi said irritably.

"Coffee comes from coffee beans, therefore it's in the group" Deeks said mulishly.

"You do know that coffee beans aren't actually beans right? They're seeds from the coffea plants."

"I do now Wikipedia" Deeks sipped his beverage in question. "But seriously, what's wrong with fruit and veg?"

"It exists" Callen answered, finishing his doughnut.

"Messed up" Sam said, shaking his head in disbelief. "This is messed up. I'm actually agreeing with _Deeks_."

Callen, Kensi and Deeks stared at the muscular SEAL, momentarily frozen by this unprecedented situation.

"Err-"

"You do that" Kensi recovered, shaking her head. "And by the way Deeks, coffee and smoothies are not exactly a healthy diet."

"Neither is living off of doughnuts and Twinkies" Deeks fired back. "We've talked about this; a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips."

"I don't know what that means" Kensi pointedly started on her second doughnut.

"Forget that; do you have any idea how bad eating that crap all the time is?" Sam stressed, looking pained. "If you didn't spend so much time in the gym you'd be over 300 pounds."

"How does that explain Deeks?" Kensi pointed her doughnut at her partner.

"Hey, I spend my days chasing bad guys and when I'm not doing that I'm surfing" Deeks leaned back on his chair, blonde hair falling in his eyes.

"High blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, immune problems" Sam rattled off. "We can't have partners that aren't fit to be in the field."

"We?" Callen raised his eyebrows and looked at Deeks who was baffled. "First of all, it's a hearty breakfast, fuel food. You can't chase suspects and run down leads on carrot sticks or that chami-thing you drink. Everything we put in we use up. It's all good."

"Compared to chasing suspects, outrunning bombs, killing terrorists and protecting national security, junk food should be the least of your worries Sam" Kensi pointed at Deeks. "And to celebrate, you're buying McDonalds and Ben N' Jerry's tonight."

Deeks blinked in disbelief as Sam let out a guttural groan and threw up his hands in defeat, before getting up and stalking off. Callen just chuckled and tossed his empty plastic box into the recycling bin.

A/N I know, I know, it's pretty stupid and my sense of humour is probably a little offbeat but I needed to write it after hearing that Deeks is getting fired in a few weeks. I know that it's unlikely they'll get rid of him, he's too good in the show, but I don't like it. He's one of my favourites and the main reason I got hooked onto the show. Hetty's gonna fire him for screwing up, and I can't imagine OSP without Deeks. Nooo!


End file.
